THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Haz]

Just learned that a dentist a block away from here has been arrested for dealing drugs. It shows you just how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him for over 10 years. Never knew he was a dentist.

[Mike Oxsaw]

Dianne Abbot is suing Tesco for using her signature on their Hot Cross Buns.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Went to a bulimia party yesterday. Place was heaving.

[joyo]

Just been watching Benefit street and to be honest it's not much different to Sesame Street.... Both have a big bird and bloke living out of a bin plus loads of people trying to learn the alphabet.

[devonhammer]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey.... But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

[arsegrapes]

"Ali and Mohammad were begging on a street in London. Mohammad was just getting by, but couldn't work out how Ali drove home in a new BMW and owned a large house outright, so he asked Ali how he could afford so much while he was still sleeping rough? Ali said, ""that's easy I just hold up this sign""ù, which read ""¬£10.00 to go back home, thank you please""ù!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old Yorkshireman was lying on his bed dying. With a weak voice he asks: ""Is r lass ""òere?""ù ""Aye,am here luv""ù ""Are mi kids ""òere?""ù ""Aye,they're all ""òere,luv""ù ""Are mi grandkids ""òere?""ù ""Yes Granddad,we're all ""òere""ù ""Then why is the bloody light in kitchen still on?""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The wife asked if I loved her or football the most. I said ""open your legs and I'll show you""ù. Nutmegged her."

[arsene york-hunt]

"Scouser goes with a prostitute, she asks him if he wants a blow job, He says ""Will it effect my dole money?"""

[joyo]

Elton John is going to release a charity single for the Mosque shooting victims in Christchurch.... Its going to be called 'sandels in the bin'

[Jasnik]

Declan Rice wins Irish Young Player of the Year award

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mother was a red Indian and my father a Scotsman...they were going to call me 'Hawkeye the Noo'

[CrowleyHammer]

I reused to believe I was gay and dyslexic..... I was in daniel.

[arsene york-hunt]

Man: I keep smelling rotten eggs Doctor: It sounds like you are suffering from an olfactory hallucination. It could be a symptom of a neurological process When do you have this experience? Man: Every time I fart

[The Stoat]

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perfom under pressure I told the interviewer I didn't really know that one but could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody

[Aalborg Hammer]

I poured my root beer into a square glass...now I just have beer

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

And the winner is.................devonhammer

[devonhammer]

"Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year, but the venues couldn't agree about who should go on first."

[Aalborg Hammer]

How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.

[Bungo]

I just had a lovely walk. . . . . . . . Fucking autocorrect!!

[lab]

"I'm thinking of starting a dating agency for chickens , I'm hoping I'll be able to make hens meet."

[boleyn8420]

Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds

[Queens Fish Bar]

"One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks."

[Westham67]

"A fella holds a fancy dress party. A bloke knocked on his door, he opened it and the bloke was standing there in his underwear. He said to him what have you come as ? he says a premature ejaculation .He says what do you mean by the that ? the bloke said I've come in my pants"

[joyo]

Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas