Jokes Thread

[Bowener]

 I was just fired from my job marking exam papers. Can’t understand it, I always gave 110%.

[Hammer and Pickle]

What’s the difference between being rich and poor, Dad?

Well son, when you’re rich you drink the finest wines known to humanity and get to sleep with beautiful women all the time.

What about being poor then Dad?

Then you drink beer, eat sausage and sleep with your Mum son.

[zico]

My wife called me. Said she was in Casualty.
I went home, put the TV on and watched 6 episodes.
Didn’t see her once.

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just got off of the phone with Direct Line buying my car insurance.
I gave the fella my card details and he said "Before you go,have you got any pets?"
I said "Yes, I've got a rabbit but it doesn't drive"

[Helmut Shown]

Q. How do you turn a Norwich supporter into a Tottenham supporter?

A. Kick his sister under the chin

[Alfs]

How do you get a Nun pregnant?

You fuck her.

[Leavemyarcelona]

Free betting advice......get your money on lebanon winning the most medals at the 2028 paralympics

[goose]

Joyo and a little girl are walking through the Cambodian forest at night. The girl says, “Mister, I’m scared.” Joyo says, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.”

[goose]

Two WHO posters in Cambodia sitting in a café. A 12 year old girl walked by and one says to the other:"She used to be a cracker in her day."

Joyo been sharing his holiday stories?

[goose]

WHOs very own Jimmy Savile trying to crack jokes?

You missed the “now then, now then” joyo your horrible little nonce.

[XKhammer]

No way goose would tell a priest to get outta of a child

[XKhammer]

Was those two WHO peados in Cambodia Oxbore and Alf Ghandi?

[Aalborg Hammer]

Satan's own exorcism."Priest get out of that child.!!!"

[F 129 Row66]

Two WHO posters in Cambodia sitting in a café. A 12 year old girl walked by and one says to the other:"She used to be a cracker in her day."

[Helmut Shown]

Two gay men go to the funfair. One says to the other “Shall we go on the roller coaster?”
The other one replies “No it frightens me but don’t let me stop you”
”OK” he replies and minces up to the ride and gets in a car.
His friend watches him go round three times but then the car comes off the rails and crashes at his feet.
He says “Oh dear are you hurt”
His friend angrily replies “I’ll say! Three times I went round and you didn’t wave once”

[Russ of the BML]

Me and my wife was on the way to my in-law's house. As we approached we saw the mother-in-law on the driveway being beaten up by six men. My wife screamed "Oh my god! Let's help!" to which I replied "Well, I think six men can do the job."

[Alfs]

My wife said to me, "I've never seen Gaslight". I replied "Yes you have, we watched it last night".

[Dowies Love Child]

A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 plastic horses inserted into his rectum. His condition is described as stable.

[Dowies Love Child]

I went to the hospital with a taxidermist friend.
The doctor asked me "Who's that?"
"A taxidermist," I replied.
The doctor nodded gravely and said "it's good to be prepared."

[Dowies Love Child]

I told my wife that our neighbour had died.
She said "Who, Ray?"
"Celebrating seems a little callous", I replied.

[Westside]

I remember some years ago, Ulrika Johnson, was charged with an act of gross  indecency, masturbating in public with a mobile phone. A police spokesman commented, "yes, that's not the first time, she's been caught with an Eriksson inside her..."