THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[SecondOpinion]

DAD would have been funnier in that last joke.........or maybe not?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This young student asks a gorgeous girl out.He knows he's punching way above his weight so he draws all his money out ,blows his budget and takes her to a posh restaurant. She orders all the expensive dishes and the best wines. He says ""Does your Mum feed you this well?"" She says ""No, but my Mum isn't expecting me to suck her cock later"""

[Willtell]

Excellent one Ted.

[Coffee]

Ha!!

[ted fenton]

"History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement. It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night."

[Willtell]

"A postman was getting ready to retire and it was his last day on the job. At the first house the man greeted him at the door and gave him a cigar. The mailman said thank you and went on his way. At the second house a woman gave him £10 and said she would miss him. Again he said thank you and went on his way. At the third house a beautiful blonde opened the door then pulled him up to her bedroom. They made love for a while. Afterwards she made him breakfast. As he ate he noticed a £1 coin under his coffee cup. The man asks ""This has been great and all but what is the £1 coin for?"" The woman replied ""Well last night when I told my husband about this being your last day I asked him what I should give you. He said screw him, give him a pound. But the breakfast was my idea."" source: http://www.thedirtyjoke.com/blondejokes/mailmanjoke.html"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q .What do you call a policewoman who shaves her fanny? A. C*nt stubble

[Willtell]

"A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying ""I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting as surely 150% is impossible?"" The instructor said, ""During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe..."""

[ted fenton]

"I was at a funeral yesterday and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. ""Have some respect for the dead!"" He said. ""Ok,"" I replied. ""Is that all lowercase without spaces?"" Yeah I know it's old but I like it."

[Willtell]

"As the Titanic was sinking some religious leaders were praying. The Jewish rabbi said ""Save the children"" ""Save the children?"". The baptist minister said ""ahh fuck the children"" The catholic priest asks ""do we have time?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life Her follow up 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out in the summer.

[Willtell]

"A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says ""Hey that's pretty cool where did you get that?"" The parrot replies ""Africa there's millions of them."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

The bloke who was badly mauled after gate crashed the Teddy Bears' picnic is in hospital - doctors say he's doing OK but he's not out of the woods yet.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says ""I wonder how the girls are getting on"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy is at the races at the fella next to him says ""Pssst,...Do you want the winner of the next race??"" ""No thanks, I've only got a small garden"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bought a new aftershave.It smells of breadcrumbs. I tell you want,the birds love it."

[ted fenton]

I'm going to start selling John Lennon memorabilia online. Imagine all the pay pal.

[geoffpikey]

Hahaha

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A dwarf couple had time off from the circus to go to the maternity unit for their baby scan. The midwife asked "" what are you hoping for ? ""..."" they reply "" we don't care....as long as it fits in the cannon"

[Aalborg Hammer]

To the bastard who stole 200 cans of Red Bull from my garage: how do you sleep at night?!

[Mad Dog]

Measured myself earlier 6 feet 2 inches Should point out those are 2 separate measurements

[Swiss.]

Willtell Yeah you got me bad back man...You're a regular Cyrano De Bergerac. I bow to your cunning wit.

[Willtell]

Swiss Simple really. You don't take the mick out of me and get away with it mate....

[ray winstone]

Swiss. 3:35 Fri Sep 29 That actually made me laugh out loud. üòÇ

[Swiss.]

"Willtell You sad, senile old mong."